'who shot roger rabbit?'
(working title)
written by
jeffrey price and peter s. seaman
third draft
september 2, 1986
who shot roger rabbit?
this movie starts the way all movies should... with a
cartoon. it's not a disney or a warner's. it's not a
fleischer, an mgm, or a lanz. this is a lesser known
studio.
fade in:
on a 'maroon cartoon'
accompanied by zany cartoon music, the title card reads:
maroon cartoons present
baby herman and roger rabbit
in
'the bunnysitter'
below are two cameos of the cartoon's stars. one picture is
of a cherubic baby in a bonnet innocently posed with his
thumb in his mouth. the other is of a paunchy rabbit with a
gap between his front teeth. he has a loveable, if slightly
shell-shocked look. the cartoon begins...
baby herman and roger rabbit
are in a playpen when two female legs in high heels walk into
frame. the voice belonging to the legs talks down to baby
herman in a maternal coo.
voice (o.s.)
mommy's going to the beauty parlor,
darling. but i'm leaving you with your
favorite friend, roger. he's going to
take very, very good care of you...
(voice turns
ominous)
... cause if he doesn't, he's going
back to the science lab!
roger gulps as he watches the legs disappear. we hear
footsteps recede and a door slam. roger turns confidently
back to his charge. but the little tyke is already squeezing
through the playpen bars.
baby herman
baby bye-bye...
roger makes a spane for him, misses, and gets his head stuck
between the bars. he pleads with the baby in a voice that
resonates of huntz hall in 'the bowery boys'.
roger rabbit
hey, come back! you heard what your
mother said!
baby herman
ignores roger. we follow him as he crawls into the kitchen.
he stops to regard something that has caught his attention...
a cookie jar. it's sitting on top of the refrigerator.
baby herman
coo-kie.
roger
wearing the playpen like a pillory, comes running toward the
kitchen. but the playpen is too wide to clear the door. the
impact shattering the playpen and sends roger sprawling
across the kitchen floor. when he looks up...
baby herman
is swinging precariously on the door of the freeer.
roger rabbit
hang on, baby. i'll save you!
roger makes a desperate leap across the kitchen for the kid.
but baby herman swings the door to the freezer open and roger
disappears inside. baby herman grabs a cookie and swings
back, shutting the door. he climbs down and crawls out of
the kitchen. after a beat, the freezer door opens.
roger
now shaped like a block of ice, falls out and hits the floor.
the block shatters into ice cubes. roger looks around,
dazed.
baby herman
has taken this opportunity to crawl out the window. roger
races to the window. his eyes pop out of his head at what he
sees.
roger's pov
baby herman is crawling along the sidewalk under the shadow
of a safe being hoisted into a second floor window by the
acme safe moving company. the rope holding the safe is
fraying down to a slender thread.
roger
gasps and rockets out the window toward baby herman. the
rope snaps. the safe falls. roger arrives just in time to
pluck the baby out of harm's way. but not in time to save
himself. the safe crunches down on his head, burying roger
into the sidewalk. after a beat, roger's hand appears and
spins the tumbler. the safe door opens. inside, we see the
dazed rabbit with little tweeting birds circling his head.
voice (o.s.)
cut, cut, cut!
the cartoon action stops abruptly, but the goofy cartoon
music plays on. we begin a slow pull back to reveal that
this cartoon is being filmed live on a sound stage. the
title card sits on an easle. the female legs are paper
mache' props manipulated by two human crew members. wearily,
they lean the legs up against the stage wall. a human
director, wearing a tweed jacket and baggy pleated pants,
steps onto the set. from the equipment and the dress of the
crew, we can tell it's the 1940's. baby herman throws his
cookie down in disgust. he talks in a gravelly voice an
octave lower than wallace beery's.
baby herman
what the hell was wrong with
that
take??
director
nothin' with you, baby herman. it's on
roger...
again
!(over shoulder)
hey! could we lose the playback?
the music suddenly stops as, off to the side, the soundman
lifts the needle off a phonograph record. the director leans
over roger and angrily plucks one of the birds circling his
head.
director
(continuing)
what's this, roger?
roger rabbit
(sheepish)
a tweeting bird?
director
that's right, a tweeting bird. but
what does the script say? 'rabbit gets
conked. rabbit sees
stars
!' notbirds, stars!
baby herman
aw, for cryin' out loud, roger! i'll
be in my trailer... takin' a nap!
baby herman pulls himself up to his full height of two feet
and walks off the set. he chooses a route that takes him
under the dress of the script girl. she jumps as if goosed.
now two crew members lift the safe off roger.
roger rabbit
please, raoul. i can give you stars,
i know i can. just drop the safe on my
head one more time.
director
i've already dropped it on you
twenty-three times.
roger rabbit
don't worry about me. i can take it.
director
i'm not worried about you. i'm worried
about the safe.
continued pullback.
what we've been seeing has been from the pov of a man in a
shiny brown suit standing unobtrusively at the back of the
sound stage. under a beat-up fedora is a craggy face that's
seen a lot in its life... but apparently didn't think much of
it was funny. eddie valiant takes a jolt from a pint of
whiskey, evidently in reaction to what he's seen. he opens
his coat and returns the pint bottle to a shoulder holster
which had formerly held a .38. nerves steadied, he walks out
the stage door.
ext. maroon studio - day
valiant emerges from the stage onto a bustling hollywood
studio lot where cartoon characters (toons) and humans are
comingling as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
valiant stops by an acme novelty truck which is unloading
toon props. there are bombs, rockets, flattened pocket
watches, anvils, giant slingshots, etcetera. the license
plate is california 1946. he fishes out a pack of
chesterfields and taps out a half a butt that had been
stubbed out. as he lights it, valiant regards a chubby,
balding man wearing a three-piece suit and a worried
expression coming towards him. he is r.k. maroon, studio
boss. maroon is leading an entourage of assistants trying to
keep up.
maroon
starting tomorrow there'll be no more
roast beef lunches. what happened to
cheese sandwiches? i was raised on
cheese sandwiches.
as the assistants dutifully record his thoughts, maroon sees
a guy taking a nap in the shade of a palm tree.
maroon
(continuing)
and tell that guy sleepin' over there
he's fired!
assistant
it's your wife's brother, r.k.
maroon
(reconsiders)
oh... tell him he's promoted. but get
him out of my sight.
as the assistants disperse, maroon approaches valiant.
maroon
valiant, did you see the rabbit?
valiant
he was blowin' his lines, all right.
so what?
maroon
so what? he's already put me three
weeks behind on the shooting schedule!
now an edith head-type hustles up to show maroon several
costume designs.
costumer
your reaction, r.k.?
maroon quickly checks out the drawing.
maroon
no! that's not funny.
she flips another drawing.
maroon
(continuing)
that's
funny. put a homburg on himit'll even be funnier. huh, valiant?
he grabs the pad and shows valiant. the rendering is of a
hippo in a pink polka-dot tu-tu.
valiant
(deadpan)
yeah, that'd be a riot.
maroon responds to valiant's sarcasm with raised eyebrows.
maroon
boy, i hope what you have ain't
contagious or i'll be out of business.
he hands the pad back to the designer, who departs.
maroon
(continuing)
how much do you know about show
business, valiant?
valiant
only there's no business like it, no
business i know.
valiant watches an alligator in a rebel uniform dragging a
brace of cannons and several toadstools parade by.
maroon
yeah, and there's no business as
expensive. i'm twenty-five grand over
budget on the latest bunnysitter
cartoon and it's all because that
rabbit can't keep his mind on his work.
and you know why?
valiant
one too many safes dropped on his head?
maroon
nah, that goes with the territory.
he's a stunt bunny.
maroon takes a copy of the 'hollywood tattler' out of his
pocket.
maroon
(continuing)
here's the problem...
(reads)
'seen cooing over calamari with
notsonew sugar daddy was jessica
rabbit... wife of maroon star, roger'.
(looks up)
his wife's a tramp, but he thinks she's
betty crocker. the doubt's eatin' him
up.
valiant
so what do you want me to do?
maroon
get me a couple juicy pictures.
somethin' i can wise the rabbit up
with.
valiant
i don't work in toontown.
maroon
you don't have to. the rabbit's wife
sings at an underground toon revue
joint called the ink & paint club. you
can catch her in action there.
valiant
the job's gonna cost you a hundred
bucks.
maroon
a hundred bucks? that's ridiculous.
valiant
so's the job.
valiant starts to walk away.
maroon
all right, all right... you got your
hundred bucks.
maroon turns, snaps his fingers. his assistant appears out
of nowhere with maroon's checkbook and a pen. the assistant
turns and stoops so that maroon can write the check on his
back.
maroon
(continuing)
fifty now, fifty when you deliver the
pictures.
maroon tears the check off and hands it to valiant. suddenly
valiant ducks in reflex to a large shadow that passes
overhead.
maroon
(continuing;
chuckles)
kinda jumpy aren't you, valiant? it's
just dumbo.
above their heads - dumbo
swoops back and forth, then hovers, ears flapping like a
hummingbird.
maroon
i got him on loan from disney.
valiant
aren't you the lucky one...
valiant grabs the check from maroon and starts for the gate.
maroon
when will i hear from you?
valiant
as soon as is humanly possible.
we follow valiant out the gate under a wrought iron sign that
reads 'maroon cartoon studios'. as he starts across the road
he's almost run over by a toon roadster that roars out of the
gates. when it blasts its horn, it's the first five notes
from the woody woodpecker song: 'ha-ha-ha-ha-ha'. valiant
jumps back as the roadster passes. woody the woodpecker's
behind the wheel with a self-important smile on his face.
valiant angrily waves the cloud of toon dust away.
valiant
(coughs)
damn toons.
across the street - a trolley car
is slowing to a stop in front of the studio. it's a pacific
and electric 'red car', part of a vast system of electric
trollies that once criss-crossed the l.a. basin. valiant
steps onto the 'red car'. he reaches into his pocket to give
the conductor his nickel fare. but he comes up with a
handful of lint. he holds out the check.
conductor
what do i look like, a bank?
the conductor jerks his thumb toward the door. valiant
suffers the public humiliation,of having to step down past
the rest of the boarding passengers. he walks around to the
back of the red car where a gang of ten-year-olds are
loitering. when the bell sounds and the red car starts to
pull away, the kids make a dash for a place on the cow
catcher. valiant joins them. we hold as the red car moves
away and the street urchins regard their older partner in
crime with curiosity.
dissolve to:
a billboard sign
it reads: 'l.a.'s pacific and electric red car -- america's
finest public transportation system'. pan down to see that
the sign is on the roof of the trolley terminal. red cars
are going in and out of the shed. move in on one car
approaching the terminal from down the street. as it passes
by...
valiant
hops off his freeloader's seat on the back,
kid
so long, mister.
valiant waves laconically.
valiant
thanks for the cigarettes.
we follow valiant as he crosses the street to a seedy
bungalow. a note is push-pinned to the door.
close - note
it says: 'tomorrow's friday... well? dolores'.
valiant
takes the note and walks back across the street toward the
terminal. he climbs up a flight of stairs, heading for a bar
on the mezzanine. the bar sports a red neon sign that used
to blink, 'the terminal station bar'. but now it just says,
'terminal'.
int. terminal bar - day
the place must have been pretty swanky at the turn of the
century when it was built in the first burst of enthusiasm
over the new public transportation system. it's in the motif
of a trolley car. there's a large map on the wail above the
bar showing all the different lines. behind the bar is
dolores. if you scraped off all the makeup, you'd find an
attractive woman in her late thirties. she ministers to a
rag-tag assortment of hollywood low-lifes -- who are truly at
the end of the line.
valiant
enters this den, lets his eyes adjust for a moment, then
bellies up to the bar. he finds a spot between a one-armed
black soldier and a midget stretched out on the bar passed
out. now a trolley rumbles underneath them. the bar starts
to shake like an earthquake, the lights flicker. all the
drinkers, observing a time honored ritual, lift their glasses
simultaneously to avoid spilling any drops. even the midget
lifts his head until the trolley has passed. valiant reaches
over the bar and blind-grabs a bottle of rye he obviously
knows is there. he pours himself a shot.
valiant
hey, fellas, what's the good word?
soldier
lost my job.
an arthritic cowboy pipes up.
cowboy
mule died.
a deaf-mute scribbles a note on a pad hanging around his
neck. he hands the note to valiant. it says 'my girl dumped
me'. valiant pats him on the back, consoling.
valiant
well, you know what they say about
dames, augie...
then valiant mouths the rest of it for augie's benefit only.
augie reads his lips, then starts to roar silently, slapping
his thigh. now dolores makes her way down the bar. she
grabs the midget by the suspenders and slides him out of the
way.
dolores
so, makin' dame jokes, huh, eddie?
well, lemme remind ya pal, it was a
dame
who took a hundred bucks out ofthe till so your landlord would't
throw you out of your dump. and it was
a
dame
who trusted you for the moneywhen no one else in town would. and
it's a
dame
who's tired of waitin' foryou to straighten yourself out and get
a job!
valiant
would this be the same dame who's going
to feel awfully foolish when she finds
out i've got her money.
valiant slides the check across the bar. dolores studies it.
she calms down a little.
dolores
this is fifty bucks. i need
seventy-five before they check the
books tomorrow.
valiant
you'll have it in the morning. now be
a sport and lemme have twenty bucks to
put in my pocket.
dolores
is this paper even good?
valiant
check the scrawl.
dolores
(reads)
r.k. maroon.
now angelo, a neanderthal sitting a few stools down, is
tapping the shell of a hardboiled egg.
angelo
maroon? valiant, don't tell me you're
workin' for a toon? who's your client?
chilly willy or screwy squirrel?
angelo chuckles at his own joke and goes to eat his egg.
suddenly valiant darkens. he grabs angelo by the shirt and
pulls him up to his face.
valiant
get this straight, greaseball. i'm not
workin' for a toon! i'd never work for
a
toon
! got that?valiant jams the whole egg into angelo's mouth, turns and
storms out the door. angelo sputters and spits out the egg.
angelo
what's his problem?
dolores
toon killed his brother.
ext. ink & paint club - night
valiant knocks on the door of, a non-descript building in a
run-down factory area. a speakeasy style peephole slides
open revealing the face of a toon gorilla. valiant offers
the password.
valiant
walt sent me.
the peephole slides closed and after a beat the door swings
open.
int. club
the gorilla, dressed in a tux, gives valiant the once over.
valiant resents the assessment.
valiant
like your monkey suit.
gorilla
wise ass...
we follow valiant down the hall toward the main room. we can
hear laughter and zany music from within.
int. main room
when valiant steps through the doorway, we see the place is
no spane. it's a white tablecloth nightclub on a par with the
el morroco or the garden of allah. behind the bar a
caterpillar bartender is using his many arms to shake and
pour several drinks at once. meanwhile a dozen penguin
waiters are gliding back and forth along the tables serving
drinks to the well-heeled crowd.
on stage
donald duck and daffy duck are seated opposite each other at
matching grand pianos. what begins as a decorous duck duet
on a tchaikovsky piece (complete with knuckle-cracking,
seat-spinning preparations) quickly accelerates to a loony
game of one-upsmanship between these two irascible ducks.
there is keyboard stomping, lid-banging, piano wire plucking
zaniness.
the audience
is howling. people are wiping the tears from their eyes
they're laughing so hard. all except...
valiant
he lights a cigarette impassively, not humored by the toon
hijinx. he spots an empty table off to the side and makes
his way towards it. a silly geezer in a loud suit is at the
next table. the geezer nods to him soberly as valiant pulls
out the chair and sits down. a loud flatulence sound erupts
from under valiant. the geezer slaps his thigh with the
hilarity of it all.
geezer
will you listen to that? it's a pip!
i'm thinking of callin' it a whoopee
cushion.
valiant reaches under himself and comes up holding a deflated
rubber bladder. the geezer retrieves it from him.
geezer
(continuing)
no hard feelings, i hope. put 'er
there...
the geezer grabs valiant's hand before he can say no. we
hear a buzz. valiant retracts his hand as if shocked. the
geezer howls with laughter and turns his palm to eddie.
geezer
(continuing)
hand buzzer... real gasser.
valiant rolls his eyes and grabs a penguin as it glides by.
valiant
scotch.
penguin
there's a two drink minimum.
valiant
just as long as there's no maximum.
geezer
waiter, i'll sign my check now.
the penguin puts a bill down on the geezer's table and zips
off. the geezer takes a fountain pen out of his jacket and
writes on the bill. but there doesn't seem to be any ink
coming out. he shakes and shakes the pen to get it flowing.
it flows all right. ink splatters all over valiant's shirt
and pants. valiant looks down at the stain, doing a slow
burn. the geezer starts laughing. valiant jumps up and
grabs him by the lapels.
valiant
that's it for you, pops!
geezer
(freaked)
calm down, son. look, the ink is gone.
valiant looks down at his shirt. the stain is gone.
geezer
(continuing)
see? it disappears.
valiant
well, why don't you make like the ink?
valiant drops him into his chair and returns to his seat.
the penguin glides up with his drinks. valiant swallows the
first one with one quick jerk of the head.
on stage
donald and daffy's piano competition has reached a crescendo
of mayhem. they've got the axes out, and in time with the
music they reduce their pianos to matchsticks. at the
completion of the piece, they step to the front of the stage
and with great decorum, arms around each other, they take
their bows. the curtain comes down to great applause. we
hear sfx of crashing and bashing backstage. now from behind
valiant, we hear a familiar high-pitched voice.
cigarette girl
cigars... cigarettes... eddie?
valiant turns to see betty boop standing with a box of
tobacco wares strapped around her neck. in contrast to all
the other toons, betty's in black and white.
betty boop
(continuing)
gee, it's swell to see you, eddie. we
miss you in toontown.
valiant
wish i could say the same. what're you
doin' here, betty?
betty boop
work's been slow for me since the
cartoons went to color. but i still
got it, eddie...
(sings)
'boop boop be-doop'.
valiant
yeah, you still got it, betty.
(indicates
geezer)
who's mr. jocularity?
betty boop
(leans in)
that's marvin acme, the gag king.
valiant
shoulda guessed.
betty boop
he comes here every night to see
jessica rabbit.
valiant
big on the musical comedy, huh?
betty boop
sounds like you ve never seen her,
eddie.
now the lights dim and betty moves on.
on stage
the dour droopy walks out with the spotlight following him.
he's the evening's emcee.
droopy
(deadpan)
hello, everybody. i hope you're all
having as much fun as i am. i have a
small announcement to make. jessica
rabbit will not be able to sing
tonight.
there's a roar of disapproval from the men in the crowd.
they shower him with debris.
droopy
(continuing;
deadpan)
i was merely jesting. without further
ado... here's woman times two,
toontown's own chanteuse par
excellance... jessica rabbit!
there is excited applause as the lights dim. a toon combo
made up of crows in shades strikes up the intro to the smokey
song, 'why don't you do right'. a spotlight hits the
curtain. now a curvaceous leg pokes out, teasingly. the
crowd goes wild as the rest of the body belonging to the leg
emerges. jessica rabbit is a generously endowed red-headed
bombshell. she's a humanoid toon... in her case, more
beautiful than human. her figure is testimony to what a guy
can do with a pencil and a fertile imagination,
reaction - valiant
this is not quite the bunny he expected roger to be married
to. his jaw drops. and his reaction is mirrored all around
the room. the men are panting so hard you couldn't keep a
match lit.
closeup - jessica
as she steps to the mike.
jessica rabbit
(sings)
'you had plenty of money back
in '22
you let other woman make a fool
of you
why don't you do right.
like some other men do...
get out of here and
get me the money too...'
jessica takes the mike and comes off the stage. slinkily.
she wanders among the tables, teasing the men as she goes.
now there's a howl from behind valiant. a tex avery type
toon wolf, who came masquerading as a human, couldn't help
but show his true colors at the sight of jessica. he howls
as if it were a full moon. his tongue rolls out of his head
and piles up on the floor like so much clothesline. his
eyeballs telescope out of his head. and finally, the wolf
levitates and snaps rigid like an open jacknife. as the wolf
makes a rush for the stage, the gorilla bouncer grabs him by
the suspenders. the wolf, legs spinning madly, practically
knocks valiant's table over as he grabs at jessica. but the
wolf has come to the end of his suspenders. he snaps back
toward the gorilla who is holding an anvil in front of the
suspenders. clang! the wolf hits the anvil and slides to
the floor. the gorilla calmly whisks him into a dustpan and
carries him out.
jessica
like all good saloon singers, has continued her act
undaunted.
jessica rabbit
(singing)
'why don't you do right.
like some other men do...'
she sashays over to the geezer's table. teasingly, she
swirls the whisps of white hair onto his head into a dairy
queen. he giggles gleefully and makes a grab at jessica.
but she slips out of his grasp like mercury.
jessica rabbit
(continuing)
'you ain't got no money
ain't got no use for you...'
now jessica works her way over to eddie. she stops at his
table and sings tauntingly. then with a flourish, she throws
herself in his lap, and belts out the finale.
jessica rabbit
(continuing)
'so get out of here...
and get me the money toooo!'
there is raucous applause when she finishes. jessica looks
deep into eddie's eyes.
jessica rabbit
(continuing)
thanks for your lap.
before eddie can reply, she jumps off, and slinks offstage,
leaving eddie a pile of human wreckage. valiant slugs the
rest of his drink down to put out the fire in his libido.
when the lights come up, valiant looks over to where acme is
slicking down his eyebrows and patting his hair down. he
stands, picks up a bouquet of roses from the chair beside
him, and as he passes valiant's table, gives him a big wink.
valiant watches acme disappear backstage. he stands, drops
a couple bucks on the table, and follows after him.
backstage
valiant steps past the curtain, keeping a discreet distance.
he follows marvin acme down a corridor and around the corner.
acme stops and knocks on a dressing room door. after a
moment, it opens and acme goes inside. valiant checks over
his shoulder, but the backstage area is empty. he eases over
to the door and puts his eye to the keyhole.
pov through keyhole
jessica is seated at her dressing table. acme is on his
knees next to her, kissing his way up her gloved hand, eyes
closed in ecstasy. jessica takes her hand out of the glove
and starts combing her hair, leaving marvin kissing a
suspended toon glove.
angle on valiant
while he continues his peeping. the gorilla bouncer sneaks
up behind him.
gorilla
hey, whaddaya think you're doin',
chump?
valiant
who're you callin' chump, chimp?
the gorilla smiles sadistically when he recognizes valiant.
gorilla
oh, it's da comedian...
the gorilla grabs valiant by the belt and lifts him off the
ground. he opens the fire door and heaves valiant out.
ext. alley - night
valiant comes flying out the door and crashes into a bunch of
garbage cans in the alley. the gorilla stands in the doorvay
regarding the dazed valiant.
gorilla
and don't lemme catch your peepin' face
around here again. got it?
valiant
ooga-booga.
the gorilla slams the door. valiant picks himself up out of
the garbage. he brushes himself off, then starts down the
alley toward the rear of the building. we follow him around
the corner where he stops under jessica's dressing room
window. he drags over a milk crate to stand on, takes a
small camera out of his pocket and opens the bellows. he
stands on the crate and aims the camera through the corner of
the window, as we hear the muffled conversation from within.
acme (o.s.)
are we going to play pattycake tonight?
jessica rabbit (0.5.)
marvin, i have a headache...
acme (o.s.)
(hurt)
but you promised...
jessica rabbit (o.s.)
oh, all right. but this time take that
hand buzzer off...
valiant's eyes widen in disgust.
valiant
jesus christ...
as he starts clicking pictures...
cut to:
ext. maroon studio - late night
there's one light on in the administration building.
int. maroon's office - night
it's a large art deco office with walls covered with photos
of maroon and various celebrities, human and toon. r.k.
maroon is seated behind his desk. standing nearby is
valiant. they are both regarding a hysterical roger rabbit,
who's holding a set of 8 x lo glossies. he's wailing and
crying, toon tears flooding off him in a torrent.
roger rabbit
pattycake! pattycake!
valiant
baker's man... but no use ruinin' a
good pair of shoes over it.
angle on rug
roger's tears have formed a puddle around the desk. valiant
lifts a well-worn oxford and shakes the water off it.
maroon
hands roger his handkerchief. roger aah-oo-ga's his nose.
maroon
take comfort, son, you're not the first
man whose wife played pattycake on him.
roger rabbit
i don't believe it. i won't believe
it.
maroon
the pictures don't lie. mr. valiant
here took them himself.
roger takes another look at the pictures.
close - photos
they're shots of jessica rabbit and marvin acme seated knee
to knee, caught in the act of slapping palms...
really
playing pattycake.
back to scene
maroon gets up and crosses to a bar table set up by the
window. he pours a drink from a crystal decanter as roger
starts sobbing again.
roger rabbit
but jessy... she's the light of my
life, the apple of my eye, the cream in
my coffee...
valiant eyes the booze longingly as he mutters to himself.
valiant
well, you better start thinkin' about
drinkin' it black.
maroon
frankly, i'm shocked. marvin acme's
been my friend and neighbor for thirty
years.
maroon gestures out the window. we see a blinking neon sign
on the roof of the building across the street -- 'acme - if
it's acme - it's a gasser!'
maroon
(continuing)
who would have thought he was the sugar
daddy?
maroon turns and carries the drink to roger. meanwhile,
valiant sidles over to the bar to help himself.
maroon
(continuing)
well, the important thing now roger, is
to put all this behind you.
(hands him
drink)
drink this, son, you'll feel better.
roger takes the glass and shoots it down in one gulp.
maroon
(continuing)
i know this all seems painful now, but
you'll find someone new. won't he, mr,
valiant?
eddie has just picked up the decanter to pour one for
himself.
valiant
(over shoulder)
oh, yeah. good lookin' guy like him.
dames'll be breakin' his door down.
close - roger
the booze is taking its effect. there's a rumble like a
volcano about to erupt. suddenly roger's head turns into a
toon steam whistle shrieking. the high pitch causes glass
objects in the room to shatter... including the crystal
decanter that valiant's holding in his hand. it explodes,
soaking his suit with booze. valiant looks down at the
damage, completely exasperated.
valiant
son-of-a-bitch...
(turns)
mr. maroon, i think i'll be goin' now,
so about the rest of my fee...
maroon
sure, valiant, sure...
maroon sits at the desk and writes a check.
maroon
being experienced in these matrimonial
matters, you have any advice for our
friend here?
valiant crosses to the desk and takes the check.
valiant
my advice? hop on over to reno, get
yourself a quickie spanorce.
roger rabbit
spanorce? never!
suddenly roger jumps onto maroon's desk and grabs valiant by
the lapels.
roger rabbit
marriage is a two-way street and we're
just experiencing a detour! jessica
and i are going to get back together.
we're going to be
happy
! h-a-p-p-i!roger zips off the desk and crashes out the window, leaving a
rabbit outline in the glass... backlit by the blinking acme
sign. maroon and valiant walk to the window and look out the
rabbit-shaped hole in the window.
valiant
at least he took it well.
int. valiant's bungalow - close - empty booze bottle - early
morning
pull back to reveal the bottle's on the floor next to the
couch valiant's passed out on. he's still dressed in his
clothes. pan the small studio apartment. in the
kitchen/alcove, valiant has created a makeshift darkroom. we
see a curtain on a clothesline. various trays, and some
pictures clipped up on clothespins. the pictures depict
jessica rabbit and marvin acme in various states of
pattycake. now there is loud pounding on the door. but it
doesn't break through valiant's subconscious for several
seconds. finally, he rouses, gets up and walks a crooked
line to the door. valiant opens it and squints into the
excruciating sunlight. when his eyes focus, reveal a
hang-dog police detective holding eddie's morning paper.
valiant
lieutenant santino... how ya doin'?
santino ignores the question and regards valiant with a
mixture of disgust and pity.
lt. santino
tell me you didn't do a snoop job for
a toon named roger the rabbit.
valiant
that's what you woke me up for?
santino flops open the morning paper. valiant's eyes narrow
as he reads it. the headline screams: 'toon kills man!' and
underneath: 'marvin acme murdered at the hands of jealous
rabbit'. santino throws the paper on the sofa.
lt. santino
you got trouble, eddie.
ext. acme factory - day
an l.a. police car turns into the yard of the acme factory
and pulls up in front of the old factory building. there's
all kinds of official activity in the yard... cop cars, a
coroner's truck, etcetera.
valiant and santino get out of the police car. santino
starts into the factory. but he realizes valiant's not
following him. he turns to see valiant looking over the wall
behind the factory, transfixed.
lt. santino
now what?
valiant
just haven't been this close to
toontown for awhile.
valiant's pov
the sky above the wall is a different color, a little bit
more vibrant, a 'toon blue', you might call it.
santino
walks back and takes valiant's arm.
lt. santino
let's go, somebody wants to see you.
santino leads valiant into the factory.
int. factory - day
it's a large warehouse filled with stacks of toon gags,..
boxes of dynamite, giant slingshots, boulders, everything
you've ever seen in a roadrunner cartoon. santino stops
where a large black safe is imbedded at a cockeyed angle in
the floor. a forensic team is at work around the safe.
they're chalking the outline around a body half obscured by
the safe.
lt. santino
they say the rabbit got the safe idea
from a cartoon he was makin' the other
day.
valiant
what a gasser.
lt. santino
wait here...
santino walks to acme's glassed office where a sobbing
jessica rabbit is being interrogated. we can only see her,
not the person doing the interrogating. valiant sidles over
to where the forensic guys are dusting the photographs he had
taken for prints. one of the forensic guys looks up from his
work.
forensic #1
say, didn't you used to be eddie
valiant?
valiant ignores the slings and arrows and surveys the scene
of the crime. the door of the safe is ajar. valiant tries
to look inside. forensic #2 closes the door with his knee.
now we hear the voice of jessica rabbit from behind them.
jessica rabbit
mr. valiant?
valiant turns to the voice. whap! jessica slaps him hard
enough across the face to make his head turn.
jessica rabbit
(continuing)
i hope you're proud of yourself.
she turns on her heel and storms off, sobbing into a
handkerchief. valiant, rubbing his jaw, looks after her. so
do the forensic guys.
forensic #1
she likes you, valiant.
forensic #2
(low wolf
whistle)
when they drew her, they broke the
pencil.
now two white-jackets from the coroner's office start to
carry acme out on a stretcher. as they pass valiant, a hand
still wearing a hand buzzer flops out. valiant grabs it --
stopping the stretcher.
valiant
makes you wonder what in the world she
was doin' with a guy who didn't clean
his fingernails.
close - hand
imbedded under the fingernails is a reddish-brown substance.
forensic #1
so... it's blood.
valiant
peels a piece of it off... it chips and falls to the ground.
he squats to examine it.
valiant
it's not blood, it's paint.
suddenly the end of a cane comes down on valiant's hand,
pinning it to the floor. valiant follows the cane up to it's
gavel-shaped head -- past black pants, a black robe, to a
cadaver-like complected face, and a large hooked proboscis.
the head is shaved. rimless tinted glasses obscure the eyes.
although he's human, the total appearance is frighteningly
vulture-like. judge doom is accompanied by santino.
doom
is this man removing evidence from the
scene of a crime?
lt. santino
(deferential)
uh... no, judge doom. valiant here was
just about to hand it over, weren't
you, valiant?
doom
i'll take that.
doom takes his cane off eddie's hand and reaches out for the
paint chip. valiant palms a piece and drops a smaller piece
into doom's hand. doom examines it.
doom
(continuing)
looks like the deceased grabbed a
handful of your client's pantaloons,
mr. valiant.
valiant stands to face the judge, who towers over him.
valiant
he's not my client. i was workin' for
r.k. maroon.
doom
yes, we talked to mr. maroon. he told
us the rabbit became quite agitated
when you showed him the pictures, and
said nothing would stand in the way of
him getting his wife back. is that
true?
valiant
hey, pal, do i look like a
stenographer?
lt. santino
watch your mouth, eddie, he's a judge.
doom smiles thinly at valiant, tarns and walks with purpose
towards the door. santino and valiant follow.
doom
the rabbit's movements are fairly clear
after leaving the maroon studios. he
ran across the street, jimmied this
door open, hoisted the safe on a block
and tackle...
ext. acme factory
doom leads them outside and indicates a window.
doom
... then stood out here waiting for his
prey. after he cold-bloodedly
accomplished his task, he went home.
he was almost apprehended there by my
men.
doom nods his head toward a group of sinister weasles (a la
disney's 'wind in the willows'). they're loitering by a
dogcatcher's wagon with 'toontown control' on the side,
cleaning their fingernails with switchblades and polishing
toon revolvers.
valiant
men? they look more like weasles to
me.
doom
yes, i find that weasles have a special
gift for the work.
(turns back to
valiant)
the rabbit didn't contact you by any
chance, did he?
valiant
why would he contact me? i just took
some lousy pictures.
doom
so you wouldn't have any idea where he
might be?
valiant
have you tried walla walla? kokomo's
very nice this time of year.
doom steps into valiant's face.
doom
i'm surprised you aren't more
cooperative, mr. valiant. a human has
been murdered by a toon. don't you
appreciate the magnitude of that? my
goal as judge of toontown, has been to
rein in the insanity. to bring a
semblance of law and order to a place
where no civilized person has ever been
able to step foot.
the only way to do that is to make the
toons respect the law.
suddenly a 'ya-ha-hooey' interrupts his pontification, as a
scruffy little toon gopher comes hurtling over the wall from
the toontown side. he's holding his blackened rear end...
apparently the result of a run-in with a stick of dynamite.
bonk! the gopher hits doom in the back of the head, sending
them both sprawling. the gopher picks himself up and shakes
off the effects of the concusion. when he sees who he's
knocked down, he panics.
gopher
(petrified)
judge doom! here, let me get that for
ya.
he whips a clothes brush out of his back pocket and furiously
tries to clean the judge's cloak. doom picks up the gopher
by the scruff of the neck and gets to his feet.
doom
why, you filthy little vagrant, you've
soiled my robe!
gopher
it's cleanin' up real good. judge.
doom
you've defiled a symbol of justice.
as doom carries the gopher to the 'toontown control' wagon,
valiant shoots a look to santino.
valiant
(aside)
where'd this gargoyle come from anyway?
lt. santino
no one knows. he bought the election
a few years back. he's been rulin'
toontown ever since.
when doom gets to the wagon, the weasles open up the back.
in place of steel bars is a stream of fluid. a weasle turns
a key and the flow of liquid stops. the gopher starts
kicking furiously, trying to avoid the lock-up.
gopher
oh, no, judge, please, please, lemme
go. i think i hear my mother callin'
me.
finally, the gopher breaks free and makes a desperate dash
for the wall. doom watches him run and calmly turns to where
his car is parked. it's a black lincoln touring car with an
ugly bird-like hood ornament.
doom
voltaire... the gopher!
suddenly. the hood ornament squawks to life. it's a hideous
toon vulture. the vulture flaps into flight.
just as the gopher is about to make it over the top of the
wall the vulture's talons sink into his rear end and lift him
airborne. the vulture drops the gopher off with the weasles.
they pin him down.
gopher
hey, don't i have any rights?
doom
yes, you do... to a swift and speedy
trial.
one of the weasles retrieves a briefcase from the sedan, puts
it on the hood and snaps it open. twelve toon kangaroos pop
up, arranged in a jury box.
doom
(continuing)
court is now in session.
he raps the gopher on the head with the gavel end of his
cane.
doom
(continuing)
the defendant is charged with vagrancy,
assault and resisting arrest. how do
you find him?
the kangaroo court delivers the verdict instantly. twelve
little kangaroos pop up out of their momma's pouches, holding
up small cards, each with a letter spelling y-o-u a-r-e
g-u-i-l-t-y.
doom
(continuing)
guilty as charged. case closed!
doom slams the briefcase shut. he turns his attention back
to the gopher.
doom
(continuing)
i hereby sentence you to the dip!
gopher
oh no, not the dip! anything but the
dip! i'm too young to die...
as the judge pulls on a black rubber glove, the weasles take
out a stainless steel tub wheezing with sadistic glee. they
fill it from a spigot on the truck.
valiant
what's with the dip?
lt. santino
that's how he gets rid of the
troublemakers. it's a combination of
acetone, turpentine and paint remover.
he calls it the... final solution.
the gopher
is wriggling and screaming bloody murder as doom lifts him up
and holds him over the tub. then, as he's lowered into the
solution, he starts to disappear. his pathetic screams are
snuffed mid-yelp.
gopher
help! help! he...
the gopher's gone. all that's left of him is a paint slick
on the surface of the liquid.
valiant
jesus.
doom pulls off the black rubber gloves finger by finger and
hands them to a weasle. he turns to valiant.
doom
they're not kid gloves, mr. valiant.
but that's how we handle things in
toontown. i would think you'd
appreciate that.
he gets into his car, he pauses and looks back at valiant.
doom
(continuing)
after all, didn't a toon kill your
brother?
int. terminal bar - day
dolores is behind the bar cutting lemon peels and preparing
for the day's bartending. there's one early customer, a
grey-haired trolleyman in his red car uniform. his hat's on
the stool next to him and he's already drunk. the door
opens. it's valiant. he walks over to the bar, reaches for
a bottle and a shot glass and helps himself. dolores picks
up a copy of the morning paper.
dolores
hey, eddie, looks like you really
stepped in it this time.
valiant
what are you complaining about? here's
your fifty bucks.
valiant slides the check across the bar.
trolleyman
(mumbling to
himself)
thirty-five years and all i got to show
for it is a ticket punch.
valiant
what's with earl?
dolores
a new outfit bought the red car. some
big company called cloverleaf
industries.
valiant
no kiddin'? bought the red cars, huh?
dolores
bastards put him on notice.
valiant picks up his glass. lifts it in toast to the
trolleyman.
valiant
here's to the pencil pushers. may they
all get lead poisoning.
now the trolleyman unsteadily climbs up on his stool to get
close to the holy grail... the red car route map over the
bar.
trolleyman
(wistfully)
the old number six line... who'da
thought they'd close that one down?
dolores
eddie, get him down from there. he's
gonna break his neck.
eddie grabs earl around the legs and throws him over his
shoulder like a sack of potatoes. he carries him over to a
booth and puts him down carefully, covering him with a
tablecloth.
trolleyman
took you right to toontown, it did.
valiant
i know, i know... poor s.o.b.
valiant walks back to his drink at the bar.
dolores
do you think the rabbit did it?
valiant
i don't wanna think. i wanna drink.
voice (o.s.)
make that a round.
valiant and dolores look down the bar, but there's no one
there. finally the familiar cowlick of baby herman rises to
the top of the bar as he clambers up a barstool.
dolores
we don't serve formula. snookums.
baby herman
you serve martinis, doncha?
dolores
yeah...
baby herman slides his baby bottle down the bar to dolores.
baby herman
make it dry. baby doesn't like to be
wet.
(to valiant)
you're valiant, right? the name's baby
herman.
valiant
i know who you are. kinda out of your
neighborhood, aren't you?
baby herman
yeah, i had to
